I was married for over 40 years and for those 40 years, he was someone I loved and liked....we had a relationship of sharing, of support, of friendship...he was my best friend and he died. We had no children and I think because of that we devoted more time to each other. I enjoyed him and he enjoyed me....I know that sounds selfish and egotistical....but we truly loved each other and being with each other. I cared for him during the last 3 years of his battle with cancer, but he died in my arms just 2 months ago. He wanted to die because he was suffering and yet told others he didn't want to leave me alone. I am alone now and each day seems to be getting worse because each day brings the "real"? reality that he is not coming back to me. It comes to me like a punch in the stomach and I feel nothing but complete hopelessness and black despair...nothing helps. I try to do things, but it's all superficial...like painting a house over old peeling paint... it's all temporary...I've lost part of my soul and I can't imagine wanting to live without him....people say that time heals...but I can't imagine wanting to live without him...I wish I would die in my sleep...I have tried to search ways to end my life, but I'm afraid I'll just botch it and end up alive but disabled or dysfunctional....I have never, though, felt such complete despair....there's just nowhere to go and he's not coming back to me....I just want to scream.
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